What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 00:00
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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I waited trembling.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I have no regrets .
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I write beautiful poetry .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
How might an Indian girl respond to someone saying "I love you"?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We all went to grammer schools
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She wouldn,t have been !
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She married twice! .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
All the time i was locked up.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
This is soul school!.
And i lived it daily.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But, we were locked up after school.
Who then, do I blame.?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So, i spoilt her more .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He knew the spot.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I don,t even have a pension.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Put me off passion for life!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My family never makes their pension either.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She found it foreign!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I will be 64.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im still living with it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He resisted the act ,that day.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was very sick at this time too.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She loved him until the end.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Comes on , in middle age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was in good health!
One cannot live in the past .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
When she asked me how she looked .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Especially a lifetime of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But it wasn’t much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So whats the point in blame.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I think the readers, may guess!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was scared of men, in general
We were not on the streets..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It was going to be , some day.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My life is so biszare .
I was 9 years of age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I said to her
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Would this be the day?
I was seconnd youngest,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Ive learnt so much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What did i know ?
I couldn’t, believe it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As i do to all so called friends.?
But ive been too sick for many years..